Nov
19

Midnight Movie!!

By | Movies

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Body piercings. Sword swallowing. Black Friday participation. These bizarre oddities of human behavior have always perplexed me. Why would a rationale human participate in endeavors such as these? Well, in order to satiate my hunger for this knowledge in a scientific fashion, I decided to participate in an equally odd ritual: I showed up for a midnight viewing of a movie matinee. Now, some of you may say “David, you are fooling nobody, you clearly went because your wife asked you to go with her to the opening of Twilight: Breaking Dawn.” And to you I say, you may indeed be correct, but I feel more comfortable in my masculinity thinking I went as part of a scientific experiment.

Months ago Karina asked me if I would attend the midnight showing of the next installment of the Twilight movie series. As it seemed so far away (thus giving me plenty of opportunities to find ways of bowing out) I agreed. As the saying goes “out of sight out of mind”. Sure enough, I forgot about it until it was too late. The one saving grace is we did not get tickets for the marathon showing of the entire series leading up to the premiere of Breaking Dawn. I may be a good husband, but I would not rule out taking up Munchausen syndrome to avoid 8 hours of vampires versus werewolves.

Alas, the night of the premiere came upon us. And just so those of you who were unfortunate enough to miss experience can feel included, I have provided a time-phased rundown of the night:

8:30 – Karina and I arrive in the theater parking lot. First stop: caffeine top-off. Our normal bedtime is in the 10 o’clock neighborhood and, assuming no hiccups in the plan, we weren’t getting home until 2:30 in the morning. One Grande Triple Skinny Peppermint Mocha Soy Latte later, we were ready to go. Incidental note: If you would like the experience tasting heaven, try the drink above. Amazing. And low in calories and saturated fat! You are not truly a man until you order a drink like that for yourself.

8:40 – We arrived at the box office and received our tickets. We were told to head around the building to the back of the line. Unfortunately, the theater did not have the courtesy to warn us that we should have brought reserve water and a Sherpa for the trek we were about to undertake. Rather than having us head left on a shorter path to the back of the line. We were told to go right. That way we would have the opportunity of feeling the humiliation and frustration of knowing exactly how far from the front we really were.

Side note: I did not see many folks dressed up in Twilight-related fan gear. This made me feel better. I was “this” close to dressing up like Edward Cullen. I felt it was a perfect fit for me as I have a gleaming white, hairless, sunken chest just like Robert Pattinson (the actor playing Edward Cullen). I was sorely disappointed once I saw the movie however (see below). My backup plan was to wear a “Team Bella” shirt, but due to a lack of time for preparation this shirt did not get past the concept stage of development.

8:47 – We finally got to the back of the line. We scored spot #2,137! It is times like these I wonder what in the world I am doing and isn’t this one of the reasons I bought a DVD player? (also to watch the complete Police Squad series on DVD of course).

9:22 – Bored, I take an informal survey of the line and come across the following demographics: 96% females; 3% male slaves of love; 1% people with obscene incomes (Occupy shout out – Holla!).

9:37 – The line is moving! I am as excited as an emaciated teenage vampire getting his first whiff of emo human blood in biology class!

9:45 – We are joined in line by our friends Dan and Erica Farmer. Dan, much like me, is a good husband willing to sacrifice time, sleep, and pride to accompany his wife to a Twilight premiere. We are ecstatic to see each other:

10:30 – A friend of mine who is following my updates on Facebook decides to text me taunting my masculinity (accusing me of missing vital parts of the male anatomy) and bragging about how his night includes watching football and the assumption of other “manly conquests”. He shall remain nameless for the sake of his wife. He forgot to mention that he was going to accompany his wife to the Twilight premiere a day later. Additionally, is it possible for one’s social life to sink any further than to breathlessly await Facebook updates from a friend who is standing in line to watch a midnight viewing of a Twilight movie? I submit it is not.

 

11:00 – We are finally admitted to our theater. After settling in to our seats, Dan and I make the traditional husband run to the concession stand. Normally Karina and I buy a medium popcorn (or a large if we are feeling adventurous). Knowing that I had another three hours until food ahead of me, I opted for the Extra Large popcorn. I am so used to being upsold to the next popcorn size I nearly said “no” instinctively after ordering my popcorn. However, the cashier did not attempt to upsell me as I had bought the, up until now assumed mythical, “size for which there is no upsize option.”

 

Status of my mood: Excited to sit down

 

11:20 – I stare absentmindedly at the blank movie screen. There are no previews or advertisements running at all as we all wait until midnight. Come on Harkins!! You have a captive group of bored moviegoers. Take advantage of us by attempting to sell us your wares!

Status of my mood: Bored but comfortable

11:30 – A team of theater employees come in with several giftbags. We are told they are prizes for being the first to correctly answer a trivia question. I was feeling pretty confident of my chances if the category was science, sports, or current events. But no, the question was “what three vampires make up the Volturi?” My guess of Lestat Lioncourt, Dracula, and Count Chocula was unfortunately incorrect. Would you believe someone actually knew the answer to that question off the top of their head?! For their correct answer they were awarded two loyalty cups, a loyalty t-shirt, and 2 tickets to a future movie. Based on the fact that the person knew the answer to that question, I am 90% confident those 2 passes will be used for another showing of Breaking Dawn tomorrow.

 

Status of my mood: Groggier

11:40 – The people behind us are informed that a person in a wheelchair may need their seats. They had chosen to sit in the handicapped aisle. They were not too happy. I may or may not have heard a comment to the effect of “if he’s in a wheelchair, he doesn’t need a seat.” What is it about attractive teenage vampires that brings out the worst in people?!

 

11:51 – Time for my pre-movie bladder evacuation. Heading towards the restrooms I see a line stretching 10 ladies deep coming out of the women’s restroom. Thankfully the men’s restroom is as wide open and empty as a Midwestern prairie. Or course, it smells more “urine cakey” than I envision a prairie smelling.

 

11:57 – You seriously cannot make this stuff up. Karina looks at me with weary eyes and says “I’m so tired”. I console her with my gentle response: “I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT! WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS ANYWAY?!”

 

Actually I did not say this. The fact that I was at a midnight showing with Karina should indicate that I clearly have an inability to stand up to my wife. (Just kidding)

 

Status of my mood: Nappy

Midnight – Showtime finally!! I do not want to spoil the movie for anyone, but here are a few random observations I made during the course of the movie:

 

One of the previews was for a dark live-action Snow White remake called “Snow White and The Huntsman.” I think I will choose to pass on that one as the 1930’s cartoon version was a bit too gritty for me.

 

I had heard that ladies would cheer upon seeing Jacob or Edward fort he first time. I was not disappointed. Not only did they cheer for Jacob, but he was shirtless within the first 60 seconds of the movie! I prepared myself for 2 hours of feeling inadequate but was pleasantly surprised that Jacob remained clothed for the majority of the movie.

 

During the honeymoon scene I saw more of Robert Pattinson’s upper torso than I could have ever wanted (even if I was told watching inordinate amounts of his upper torso would bring a financial windfall). I was surprised to see wisps of chest hair!! Rather than feeling disappointed or inadequate, this actually gave me hope. After over 120 years as an immortal vampire, he was able to eek out some chest hair. This means there is still hope for me!

 

Overall I thought the movie was well made and interesting. The two hours actually passed much quicker than I thought they would. While I may gripe and moan about my sacrifice to watch it with Karina, I do not regret it. It was a fun experience and I am hoping I racked up some credits for when the third Batman movie opens.

 

Nov
15

Date with my honey

By | Family Life

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Karina and I recently had the opportunity to go on a nice movie-dinner date (thanks mom!). We had a great time. What did we see you ask? Well, first the road on the way up. Then the outside of the theater. Then….I jest. The movie we saw was “In Time”. Now, usually I’ll see a movie and forget about it in 2 hours. However, there are some movies that rock me to my core (such as Naked Gun). This movie did leave me with some “feelings”.

I had only seen a preview or two for In Time so I didn’t have a good idea as to what the plot was. I shall give you a short summary for the benefit of understanding my review. SPOLIER ALERT: I will not spoil the end of the movie (or will I? I guess we’ll see how this goes).

Synopsis: It is either sometime in the future or in some parallel universe. Man has been genetically engineered to stop aging at 25. Each person is then given 1 year to live. That year basically becomes the source of currency. Instead of dollars, everything costs units of time (ie. Coffee for 4 minutes). This premise I found to be highly intriguing. As Karina may attest, I can be a cheapskate. How much worse would I be if, instead of money, I was actually shortening my lifespan? I tell you one thing: the deodorant budget would be reduced to zero! In the movie, people earn additional time at work, gamble it with games, and steal it from others. That being said, here is my review of the movie based on a few significant areas:

  1. Visual appeal: This movie rates off the charts in the eye candy department. I can’t help but think this is by design. You can imagine what everyone looks like since they stop aging at 25. And yes, Justin Timberlake looks amazing. What I don’t understand is why everyone looks like they stepped out of an Abercrombie & Fitch advertisement. Apparently along with wrinkles, this society is missing excessive calories and saturated fats. I don’t get this. Everyone’s physique indicates they work out 2 hours a day. But, with a year to live, the LAST place you’d find me is on a treadmill!
  2. Acting: Overall, the acting was pretty good in this flick. I am by no means a connoisseur in this area, but everyone was mostly believable, with 2 exceptions: Justin Timberlake’s serious face looks like it’s his “trying to hold in a smile to be serious” face. Also, while I love Cillian Murphy as an actor, he is not good enough as a 35 year old to play a 25 year old.
  3. Popcorn: Tasty. Just a little butter
  4. Message:Oh, now don’t get me started!! THIS is the area of the movie where I had a problem. I really don’t mean to get too political (a white lie perhaps) but it felt as if I spent $7 per ticket (thankfully it was a matinee or my soul would have felt that much dirtier) to watch an Occupy Wall Street propaganda film. I’d put money on this movie being written by either Michael Moore or anyone else in Hollywood. Now please, don’t get me wrong. While my views may tend to lean a little rightish, I believe as much as anyone that the less fortunate in our society need our help (how we help them is another story for another blog I will try to resist writing). My main concern is the method of redistribution used in the movie: theft. You see, this was very much a modern telling of Robin Hood. And, a fan of Robin Hood I am not. The only good thing to come out of the Robin Hood story was a certain song that included the lyrics “Oodle La Lee, oodle La Lee, Golly what a day.” As a matter of fact, as a kid I was the only one of my friends who rooted for King John. One of the stars of the “In Time” movie makes the following point regarding stealing from the rich to give to the poor: is it really stealing if the people you are getting it from stole it in the first place? First of all: YES!! Yes it is still stealing if YOU ARE STEALING! Second of all, you and I are not the judge as to whether something was stolen or not. That’s why we happen to have a little thing called the judicial system to make those determinations (I’d hate to think of a society where everyone could make a determination as to the guilt or innocence of others and mete out justice accordingly. Didn’t we try that in the Old West and the only good things to come out of that period is Stetson cologne, chuckwagon dinners, and 28% of the movies John Wayne made).In the case of this movie, the rich people had manipulated the economy such that there was an incredible wealth (ie. Time) gap between the classes. But, as you can infer, as the commodity was time to live, the rich people were actually murdering to get richer as accumulating more time meant less time to live for the poor folks. And one did not need to merely infer in this case. I will paraphrase a quote from one of the rich bad guys: many must die for a few to achieve immortality. REALLY?!?! The rhetoric against the wealthy has been ratcheted up such that rich people are now murderers?!

    I won’t spoil the entirety of the end of the movie, but there was an amusing point near the end where, after much of the wealth disparity had been rectified, workers in factories (which of course were in the poor area) left their posts. At least they got that part right. If wealth is distributed evenly nobody’s going to want to do some of the less glitzy jobs required for a society to function. Like trash collectors, sewage overseers, or proctologist. Everyone will instead try to find the easiest job requiring the fewest qualifications such as Paint drying observer or Kardashian spouse.

As always, I still enjoyed the time spent with Karina. After the movie, I was able to use my post-movie-teeth-gritting to good effect eating out at La Parilla Suiza. The only thing that could have made the evening better would be for us to have watched our second choice movie instead. I am sure I would have gotten far less riled up watching Tower Heist: A rollicking comedy in which a group of vigilantes attempt to steal money from a rich magna….aww nuts.

Oct
24

New Diet

By | General Escapades

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After years of eating whatever I wanted with minimal consequences (a developing attractive paunch the primary exception) I recently had a reality check. As part of my leaving Raytheon to work at home with Karina I had to go about setting up some life insurance as it would no longer be provided by Raytheon (among other preparations for working from home, such as finding the right pair of fuzzy slippers). It turns out that leaving to work at home could potentially have saved me years of living (in all seriousness I believe this could be another reason God led me to this decision). I would have continually gone on oblivious to the fact that my heart could very well be crafting a white flag to be deployed anytime.

Now, this may surprise you, but I may have exaggerated the impending doom slightly. Part of the process for obtaining life insurance is to provide a blood sample for analysis. Another part is answering 347 questions about every time I coughed and whether my hobbies include anything dangerous such as skydiving, motorcycle riding, or crocheting (needles!!). I was granted the life insurance policy which was nice as it meant the life insurance company is betting I survive another 20 years. It’s always good to have those greedy 1% folks reassuring me I’m gonna make it…a while longer. I decided I wanted to see my blood test results to settle my own curiosity. Turns out I am glad I did!

Most of my results verified what I felt, that I am a reasonably healthy 31 year old. However, in the section about heart risks which includes cholesterol and triglycerides my results were off the charts…and not in a good way. Specifically, my triglycerides were WAY off. For those of you unaware with this term, triglycerides are not something an old prospector would use to blow a hole in a mine. Rather, it is a measure of fat in the blood. The expected range for a healthy person is somewhere between 10 and 200 units of whatever the measurement is. My level of 583 registers somewhere between “very high” and “tell those important to you that you love them” (incidentally, I believe the cream inside a Twinkie comes in  around 600).

It turns out that Triglycerides are extremely diet sensitive. And considering I did not watch my diet in the least for the last few years I was not surprised to see a problem there. In fact, the only time I looked at nutrition labels on food was when I happened upon them in search of the barcode while in the self-checkout line. When I went to the movies, my literal request from the snack bar was a large popcorn with as much butter as you can legally give me (turns out they can legally give you A LOT). I’ve ruined many a shorts by setting those popcorn bags on my lap in the theater. Additionally I enjoyed whole milk with my scrumptious cinnamon toast crunch every morning.

In the interest of improving my health and living to see myself pay for my kid’s college and weddings (wait a minute…) I decided to modify my diet in an effort to bring down my heart risk factors. Turns out all of the “diet” food I had vigorously avoided all these years isn’t as bad as I thought. I always hated Sweet & Low because anytime I eat something with Sweet & Low my mouth tastes like I’ve been sucking a penny for the next 5 hours. Thankfully, I found Splenda which is delicious! And I’ve found healthier alternates for some of the junk I would eat. For example, instead of a bowl of ice cream at night I have 60 calorie cups of vanilla pudding. And it turns out carrots make a good substitute for French fries (I imagine that I will eventually convince myself of this as long as I keep telling it to myself…that’s just a theory of course).

I’ve also started reducing the amounts of food that I eat. Normally I’d eat until the food was gone or my stomach cried “uncle”. Now I am trying to eat more reasonably sized meals. Not only is this helping with the old waistline but it turns out eating less IS CHEAPER!! And if anything serves as motivation to me, it is saving a dollar or two. As a matter of fact, now that I think of it, rather than going to Subway for a healthy sandwich (without a sugary drink or side of chips) I think I may just eat the $5 bill and save the gas money. I’d be getting plenty of fiber and a $5 bill can’t taste as bad as a penny, can it?

Aug
18

The life of an Outlaw

By | General Escapades

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As much as I know that this will pain my friends and family (especially my mom), I have something to get off of my chest: this polo! Good heavens it’s stifling in here! Going with an undershirt makes complete fashion sense, but the additional heat is a burden that almost makes it not worthwhile. Also, I have something to confess: I recently became a hardened criminal. What was my crime you ask incredulously? Armed robbery. (And you could stand to be a little less incredulous. Quite frankly it makes you a bit of a downer)

Thankfully the DA (or District Attorney for those of you who don’t watch Law & Order) in my case hasn’t put two and two together yet to come to that conclusion. Currently they only have me pinned for, as they call it “Parking Violation”. Well, let me tell you, there most certainly was violatedness. I apparently took two meters in my van on a recent trip downtown. As I see it, that means I stole a parking space (albeit temporarily) whilst in the possession of a deadly weapon!! And by deadly weapon I am obviously referring to our van. Never has a clearer case of armed robbery occurred, except if you count numerous bank robberies accomplished with guns/knives/flamethrowers/throwing stars. That’s right, don’t act like you know me because YOU DON’T! I am a street-hardened felon who has no respect for authori…oh crud, just a second, I have to make sure my library books aren’t overdue….…and we are good. Crisis averted!

I received my citation last month in downtown Tucson. Karina and I took the kids to the Tucson Children’s Museum for, as we had planned it, an afternoon of learning and merriment. We saw some good parking spots available directly across the street from the museum. As with much of downtown, these were parallel parking spots with meters. There were no markings in the road (clearly indicated in this Google Streetview picture of said parking spots)

so Karina and I discussed and decided that I should park alongside the meter to ensure we were parking at and paying the appropriate meter. Now, I do not mention Karina to pass along any of the blame in this situation. I mean obviously I took her comments into very serious consideration, and her and I jointly own the van, and she can be very persuasive sometimes, but I would never ever even insinuate that SHE WAS TO BLAME. In all seriousness, she was not.

Regardless, we parked (even paying for twice the time we ended up needing – I had better keep that on the down-low lest I have “feeding meters” added to my substantial list of a charge), enjoyed the museum and came back to a ticket on our window. When at fault, I have no issue facing up to the consequences and reconciling the issue. This time however, I felt I was taken advantage of. As there were no markings, I was being required to follow a set of nebulous and unknown rules, most likely to fund the donuts at a meter maid luncheon or something.

Well, I returned my ticket marking the “request a hearing” box so that I, in the interest of defending my principles and really exploring the justice system in our country, may plead my case before a judge. I was also hoping they’d just dismiss my citation to save money on the hearing. Well, BACKFIRE!! I got my summons the other day. On September 6, guess who’s supposed to go before a judge to plead his case? This guy!!

I still have not decided how I am going to handle this situation. As I see it, I have two options: roll over and pay the fine, or go to court and fight the man! On one hand, paying the fine alleviates the hassle of this situation. And while going to court has the potential of getting me out of the fine, I would have to practice my defense, print up some large pictures (large pictures are a must at trial – according to Matlock), spend probably close to a citation’s worth of money on gas to get downtown, not to mention I would have to iron a shirt. And there is also the distinct possibility that, in an attempt to defend myself, I completely humiliate myself by stammering, turning red, hyperventilating, fainting, and then vomiting on myself. Not to mention I just found out that, were I to lose in court, I have to pay an additional $40 in court fees!! For some reason, it seems like the system is stacked against trying to defend myself. Looks like I had better get to the rolling over.

Of course, all of this goes out the window once the state realizes my major armed robbery offense. I just hope I look good in stripes, or is it orange now? Maybe it’s  orange stripes (for some reason I have a strong urge for some orange sherbet). If I get locked up in Sherriff Joe Arpaio’s prison, I’ll be forced to suffer the embarrassment of wearing pink underwear. Thankfully I am already conditioned to that from the time my U of A t-shirt snuck into my load of unmentionables (which I have ironically just mentioned).

Aug
05

What I am up to…

By | General Escapades

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Earlier this year, after much prayer and deliberation with my wife Karina, I made a pretty significant life change: I decided to start using a “shampoo + conditioner in one” product. As my silky locks now attest, this was a decision long overdue. Oh, also I decided to leave my awesome, stable job with Raytheon to work at home with my wife.

This was a decision we did not take lightly. In addition to prayer and deliberation, we also spoke with several members of our families whose typical reaction was “WHAT?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!” and “what does she do again?” My typical answer was “she runs a webhosting company called ShoppePro (the website is here…along with proof on the “About Us” page that I am related to the talented genius that is her: http://www.shoppepro.com/). She assists work at home moms with setting up businesses on ‘the internet’, which is all the rage with the kids today I guess.”

But still, people ask “but what does she DO?” Well it turns out it’s actually not that hard to explain. Now that I spend hours a day sitting directly across from her, I can tell you exactly what she does: mostly typing, some moving the mouse around, and then some thinking.

All kidding aside (for a brief period of time), as a webhost, she rents website owners the web server space needed to store their website. Her company also offers many other services and, most importantly, awesome customer service (which I hope to contribute to). While this concept seems easy in theory, it is actually super confusing (at least to me) and has only reinforced the pride I take in being married to such a smart and talented woman, as Karina basically taught all of this as well as web design and some other stuff to herself. The only thing I can question is her judgment as she chose to marry me. Perhaps I am nothing more than a trophy husband (alright “friends” I’ll finish your joke for you: “yeah, a LAST PLACE trophy”).

I left Raytheon in June and have found the life of a work at home dad to be quite an adjustment. Some of the Pros are more time with my children, a flexible work schedule, “generous” dress code, and a true sense of ownership in what I do. Some of the Cons are the lack of a defined schedule (which my Type A personality needs lest I degenerate into a mood that can only be described as “grumpy”), missing my friends from Raytheon, and having to deal with slightly more immature, sensitive beings who are crying more often than not (just kidding Raytheon!).

While I envisioned immediately jumping in to this new work arrangement by gleaning all of Karina’s knowledge through osmosis, it has turned out a bit different, though not in a bad way. The kids have been out of school for summer so part of my new job has been playing Mr. Mom. This was a role I was born for (says my hairless face and lack of natural aversion to the feces of a 2 year old)! I’ve been hanging out with the kids, taking them to places like the pool and the library, and doing some housework like the dishes. And lest you get the impression that I have been neutered, I have also been doing manly house things requiring the use of a hammer and nails.

As time goes along I expect my new position to bring me topics for future blogs. And, now that I work from home, I do not fear the possibility of reprisal from the federal government for posting blogs as I possibly did with my last employer. However, now that I am home, it feels as if I am busier than I was before. There is volunteering with church, school meet and greets, the PTO, etc. Ah, the life of a soccer dad…

Jul
07

The life of a fisherman

By | General Escapades, Sports, Travel

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As many of you know, I am your typical outdoorsy hunting and fishing kind of guy.  Except I prefer to do my outdoorsy stuff in a nice polo with perfectly coiffed hair. Also, when I say “hunting” I mean it in less of the “hunting to kill and eat animals sense” as I mean it in the “hunting for great bargains on quality goods and apparel”. So it should come as no surprise that I decided to go offshore fishing with some folks from church on the 4th of July.

We drove as a group to San Diego the afternoon before. The drive was mostly uneventful except for a particularly windy section of Interstate 8. There was small debris flying around and, at one point, the driver I was following put on his hazard lights and began to slow down. He then veered slightly left just avoiding a giant tumbleweed. Because of his actions, I was able to avoid reorienting our van’s grill. It was nice to see the hazard lights used in the fashion they were intended. I was beginning to think their intended purpose was to notify all drivers around you that you are only parking in a fire lane to rent a Redbox.

We ended up getting in around 8:30 at night. After scarfing down some In-N-Out (random side note: In-N-Out, putting the number of calories next to each menu item is easily the worst business decision I have ever seen! It didn’t change the amount of food I ate, but it did increase the guilt factor significantly) we headed to Mission Beach. Now I normally am very concerned about the amount of sleep I get at night so I would not typically head out to the beach that late knowing I need to wake up at 4:30 the next morning. Being a team player though, I went along with it and learned something new as a matter of fact. I had never heard of “sand crabs” but apparently they are everywhere at the beach, burrowed underground of course. We had a jolly time finding the creatures and holding them. For those of you who are unfamiliar with a sand crab, the video below shows them in all their wriggly, writhing wonder.

After the beach, it was time to hit the sack. Most of our group was staying at a classy resort called the Handlery on Hotel Circle. I, being the budget-conscious consumer could not justify paying nearly double to stay there when I could save that money and stay at a budget hotel literally a mile down the road (for the sake of anonymity, I shall refer to this hotel with a fake name: Motel Seis). I figured I’d be sleeping anyways, it doesn’t matter whether my hotel had an on-site salon, coffee in the room, or even a working television. I had made the reservations 10 days in advance but Karina felt it was appropriate to send me the following text message not 5 minutes from when we were going to get to the hotel: “my mom said the Motel Seis on hotel circle is frequented by prostitutes. Just a heads up. It’s a dirty dive.” Needless to say, I was ecstatic to get that text. And by ecstatic, I meant terrified.

So the gentleman I was rooming with and I hop in the car and head over to our Motel. And what is literally the first thing we see at the motel? (and I cannot make this stuff up) A “lady” standing on a balcony in a miniskirt smoking a cigarette with her leg up on the railing in a manner that says “come hither”.  While this was definitely NOT what I wanted to see, I was very pleased with the hotel service. All of the ladies were very friendly. Every woman I saw wanted to know how I was doing and if I was interested in a good time. I told them “golly, I sure am. That’s why I am in San Diego!” I am not sure why they all referred to me as big boy though.

Despite the rough surroundings, I was able to get a good night sleep…and probably three venereal diseases just by using their sheets. We awoke at 4:45 in order to get on the road at 5. It took my left eye a good half hour to figure out it was time to get up and look straight ahead. I was surely groggy, but based on my favorite reality show Deadliest Catch, it’s not real fishing unless you are doing it on little to no sleep. Also, the fishing should be done on huge seas in less than freezing weather. I was sure to encounter conditions like that off the coast of San Diego so I brought a fashionable hoodie.

I boarded our vessel, the mighty Malihini, at about 5:30 in preparation for our voyage’s scheduled 6 am departure.

Two seasickness prevention armbands and a Dramamine patch were used to ensure my voyage would not be ruined by some nausea.

Soon we were off on our voyage. My first order of business was to place my breakfast order in the galley and start taking advantage of my all-day-coffee-for-$2 deal. Our first stop was to pick up some additional live bait.  The boat was already stocked with live squid for our use. Thankfully, the squid character on Spongebob was obnoxious so it didn’t pain me to impale the little squids in an attempt to capture fish. However, if it was starfish or sea sponges we were using, I don’t think I could have done it. In addition to the squid we were picking up Sardines and Anchovies to hopefully attract larger, cannibalistic fish.

Once the boat was stocked with bait, we headed off to our first fishing spot. One of the first differences I noticed between our boat and a Bering Sea crab boat is the captain. Ours used words like “please” and “thank you”. Additionally, he did not use words that would have to be bleeped if shown during primetime. Needless to say, I was encouraged by this. I began to think I may just make it through my first trip as a greenhorn.

Our first stop was a couple miles off the coast of Tijuana. I don’t remember what we were fishing for and it didn’t really matter because we didn’t catch it. However, it was nice to just sit on the rail imagining that I may soon be bringing up a 400 pound marlin. After a half hour to an hour of donating bait to the ocean, we moved on to our second destination: the Coronado Islands.

We spent the majority of our day fishing around these islands. At one point, we apparently landed on a Sculpin factory as we were pulling these fish out faster than the poor deckhands could help take them off our line. Our boat ended up catching 150 of these fish (or, keeping this many, we probably threw back 50-100 as well). The Sculipn are a reddish fish with poisonous barbs. I had never heard of these but, according to pretty much everyone, they are pretty good eating. I took the following picture with one on the line as I waited for a deckhand to pull it off. At that time I was probably 4th in line to get the fish pulled off. It literally took longer to reel these fish in from 200 feet down than it took to get one on the hook.

After all of us had been puling these fish in for a good 30-40 minutes, the captain announced that we needed to keep in mind our limit of 5 of any single kind of fish per day. This was certainly good to know. Thankfully, I had just caught my 5th keeper so I stopped and walked around the boat and attempted to pull in some other fish using a sardine. While I was doing this, I accidentally caught a sea lion who ended up breaking my line.

We did stop at one other spot on our way back in where our group started pulling in some nice barracuda. I got nothing more than a few bites. My final catch tally was 5 Sculpin, two of my largest are displayed in the picture below. Keep in mind my fish only appear small due to an intricate optical illusion resulting from the angle of the sun and the proportion of my biceps.

As we sailed back to San Diego, I had some time to reflect upon our voyage and I made the following observations:

1. You don’t really have to catch anything to have fun fishing. It was great being out on the ocean with friends and being hopeful to catch something.

2. One needs to be very vigilant in applying sunscreen when on a boat for 10 hours in direct sunlight. I applied some SPF 50 sunscreen twice during the voyage but, thanks to my sunglasses, I still look like I am looking through a pair of white binoculars at a nuclear detonation. I realize the sunscreen I used, pictured below, is for babies. I tend to use this as it can be used for my kids and the sunscreen is gentle on my sensitive skin)

3. Next time I fish in Mexican waters I will bring my passport. A Mexican military boat cruised around us as a show of intimidation. We were instructed by the captain to congregate in one area if we were boarded as they are from time to time. I did not see “occasional foreign military onboarding” as a feature in the brochure.

The rest of the trip proved uneventful with the exception of the drive home. We were heading east on Interstate 8 just outside of Casa Grande when we drove right into the massive haboob of July 5 that hit Phoenix. Those of you who are not familiar with haboobies (I’m pretty sure that’s the plural of haboob) are no doubt wondering if it’s about time I have a censor review my posts. Not to worry, a haboob is a giant dust storm. Let me tell you, they are fun to look at in pictures (I have seen some giant haboobies in pictures on the internet…oh wait, that doesn’t sound right) but are NOT fun to drive through. The picture below shows our visibility as we went through:

 

Thanks to God (and that’s not just an expression) we made it back home safely. Now, we get to look forward to gulpin’ some Sculpin.

Apr
29

An abundance of bad lyrics are making both my ears itch

By | General Escapades, Random

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I think we can all agree that our culture is in a precipitous decline (with the obvious notable exception of Conan O’ Brien…he is AWESOME). Reality shows about egotistical, over tanned, pompous northeasterners rule the airwaves (take your pick between the Apprentice and Jersey Shore) and stuff like this passes for “art”:

as does this:

(For those of you less than thirty-five, that picture is of Art Garfunkel who is famous for something.)

But my main gripe with society has to do with our music, specifically, the lyrics. I’m not sure if I have just been paying more attention now, but it seems like the lyrics in today’s pop music are getting more and more stupid. “Not true” you say? “We need conclusive examples” you whine? “We are skeptical and privileged to be your friend” you point out? Well, here are three recent examples I have stumbled upon while listening to Ryan Seacrest’s Top 40 countdown. Whoa, whoa, whoa!! Don’t you be getting any wrong ideas. I subjected myself to Ryan’s witty banter and the catchy tunes to compile examples for YOU.

Evidence Number 1:

“Pretty Girl Rock” by Keri Hilson

This touching ode to one woman’s self-confidence informs society that they should neither hate her nor trip because she is beautiful. It also includes the following lyric:

“Boys wanna marry looking at my derri-

ere, you can stare but if you touch it I’ma bury”

While she gets points for including a synonym for “butt” in her song (my juvenile sense of humor gets a kick out of it) and the end of the sentence leaves me clinging for more information (WHAT will she bury?!), this is still an amazingly stupid line. She is cheating on her rhyme by using half of derriere to sound like marry. This lyric would have been a classic if she had rhymed the full word derriere (like with “fairy hair” or “Hairy chair” or “Gary’s lair”).

Evidence Number 2:

“Down on me” by Jeremih

This artist dug himself a hole right off the bat with his name. Not only do I have no idea how to pronounce it, it is driving my spell-check crazy. I do not in any way recommend anyone listening to this song. It’s subject is, shall we say, mature and the main instrument is apparently a space laser. Not only that, the online translation of the lyrics includes the term “incomprehensible”. I can assure you, this was not an actual lyric as there don’t appear to be any other words in the song bigger than 4 letters. The worst lyric of the song is this one:

“oh you look so sweet

what you work in Ballys

look at your physique”

I am pretty sure I gather what the “singer” is trying to say, but my grammatical editor alter-ego gets frustrated with the second line. Technically speaking, the answer to the second question (what you work in Ballys) should be something along the lines of “elliptical machines” or “the towel washing machine”.

Honorable mention:

Snoop Dogg in Katie Perry’s “California Girls”

Were this Snoop’s song he would have made the list but since his rap was only a cameo, he gets an honorable mention for this beauty:

“Hanging out

Bikinis, tankinis, martinis,

no weenies”

I am not sure what he has against hot dogs in the summer, but the word “weenies” coming out of such a lyrical mastermind leaves me unsettled. Were it me, I would have substituted another, classier rhyming word such as “no linguine” or “blue jeanys”.

It just seems to me that today’s musical authors are getting lazy and creating meaningless sayings in order to make a rhyme. Back in the day, that NEVER would have happened. Perhaps I am just spoiled. After all, I did grow up listening to musical gold such as

“Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don’t know
Turn off the lights and I’ll glow“

Varner out.

Mar
02

Lasik

By | General Escapades

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Anyone who knows me will recognize I really only have two flaws: poor eyesight and an inability to recognize flaws in myself. While I have made no attempts to correct thelatter, I have addressed the former with years of using glasses and contact lenses. My vision was bad enough to prevent me from doing things like driving, playing sports, or navigating my bedroom barefoot without the aid of corrective lenses. For those of you with excellent vision, I can only describe mine as viewing the world through a petroleum jelly covered sheet of saran wrap underwater. Only not as sharp.

Glasses and contact lenses adequately addressed my vision, but there were still many times I wished I could see better naturally. For example, in school I would occasionally take off my glasses to give my eyes and head a break. The only problem is when I did that I couldn’t see more than 5 feet in front of me. I would often find myself staring at a blob only to realize it was someone sitting across the room from me. Thankfully I managed to avoid getting in trouble from these situations (either the blobs didn’t realize I was staring or they didn’t mind).

For years I have been waiting for my prescription to stabilize so I could get LASIK. I finally received the good news that I was a candidate last month. I immediately made an appointment with an eye doctor who came highly recommended from my optometrist and a friend. Before I knew it I had an appointment to undergo the procedure which occurred two weeks ago.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with LASIK, it is an acronym that stands for something. I am pretty sure the L stands for Laser and the other words are fancy schmancy doctor words for “eye surgery”. Either way, the procedure does an amazing job of correcting sight problems but carries some inherent risks. I gathered from skimming the waiver I signed that some of the potential risks from the procedure were loss of vision or even the entire eyeball. I had assumed these risks going in and was ready to accept the ramifications of losing an eyeball as mine were defective anyway.

I showed up for my appointment on surgery day excited, apprehensive, and with a full bladder. Once taking care of the bladder situation, I was instructed by the nurses to take the valium that had been prescribed to me. The picture below is a dramatic reenactment of me taking the medication and the subsequent effects.


Next, I had to remove anything that would get in the way of the procedure like, judging by the hat and booties I was forced to wear, my dignity. See below for an actual photograph of me in the hat and booties on the day of my arrival. (This is the last known picture of me with defective eyes – as evidenced by my inability to locate the camera while the picture was being taken) While I looked like an imbecile (or perhaps a hospital cafeteria worker) I didn’t really care as I was on Valium.

After I donned the cap and booties, allowed the valium to take effect, and passed the blood pressure test, it was on to the procedure! The first step involves the creation of a flap of the cornea using a laser. This flap is then pulled up and a laser is used to reshape my cornea, correcting my vision. One peculiar memory of the procedure is the smell of my own burning cornea. This is not necessarily something I’d like to experience again. Once completed, the flap is then pushed down. The image below is an illustration of the procedure whereas the “F” is the flap and “L” is the laser (I assume “S” stands for “Seared Cornea”).

After the procedure, my eyes were flooded with numerous drops to promote healing and prevent infection. They also masked my manly tears of relief that the procedure was finished.

I was instructed to keep my eyes closed as much as possible for the rest of the day. This did not prove to be an issue as it felt as if I had accidentally dumped a bucket of beach sand in my eyes. In fact, it was an ordeal for me to try to open them, which was incredibly tempting as I wanted to check out my new vision. Believe it or not, the stylish eyewear you see me wearing in the picture below were provided AT NO EXTRA CHARGE to me after the surgery! What a gonga!

Five month update: After several months of getting used to my new vision, I am super happy about the surgery. My vision is still 20/15 and should stay that way for good. I’ve had to baby my eyes to keep them from getting hurt and I managed to get pink eye in both, but both eyes have made it through are in good shape. I think my only regret is not paying for the X-ray and night vision upgrades. Alas, I’ll make do…

Dec
08

Ruining Christmas for my Children

By | Family Life, Holidays

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As of the last month or so Karina and I have been having some conversations about initiating a rite of passage for our kiddos. And I am not talking about the rite involving body hair springing up in new places or even the rite of having the kids move on from being the correct age to enjoy restaurant kids meals to having them just pretend to be the right age (for the record, I do not partake in the latter ritual). I am talking about passing along some knowledge regarding Santa Claus. SPOILER ALERT: For those of you who wish to leave your childhood innocence intact, read no further.

In the event any youngen’s not privy to certain facts regarding St. Nick are still reading, I will continue this story in code. I will disguise the name of the mythical character. We’ll call him Sandy Claws.

Back when Ashton was too young to comprehend our conversations, Karina and I discussed whether we’d have our kids believe in Sandy Claws or not. (CRISIS NARROWLY AVERTED!! Ashton, who is supposed to be sleeping, just walked into the den where I am typing this! I threw myself at the computer as inconspicuously as possible. He is probably wondering if dad hugs the monitor every night after he goes to bed). I grew up in a, for lack of a better term, conservative household. We never believed in Santa, or even had a Christmas tree for that matter. My opinion on the whole situation was that it would be better to not have our kids believe in Sandy Claws. My fear is, upon learning the truth, they’d question everything I have taught them as true (the theory of gravity, Jesus, the superiority of the University of Arizona over Arizona State). Karina on the other hand grew up believing in Sandy Claws. In her view, this gave her many cherished memories I missed out on (leaving cookies out for Sandy, the thought of a large man entering my home as I slept, having my world crushed as I learned the truth about Sandy). In the true spirit of compromise, we taught our kids to believe in Sandy Claws.

Well, now are kids are to the age where they will soon learn the truth from their class chums. Actually, Ashton will probably learn on Google and then blab the truth to Lynsey. Karina and I would prefer to tell the kids the truth ourselves rather than having them find out we’ve been building a fabric of lies from their friends (or internet search engines). Ashton’s reaction will probably be something like: “ok, whatever”. We are a little more worried about Lynsey. I anticipate her reaction to involve three weeks of crying and a self-imposed hunger strike. As such, we are trying to approach the situation with tact.

We thought about telling the kids this season as all of the Christmas spirit is in full swing. But, the longer we wait, the poorer the timing and the greater chance of ruining their Christmas (“Hey kids, since it’s Christmas Eve and all, I wanted to share with you a little story. Once upon a time our society made up a character named Sandy Claws who actually doesn’t exist. That’s right, all these years your presents have come from your mom and I. You’re welcome. Good night.”).

So Karina and I figured we’d break the news sometime during the summer. That way they have several months to get over their grief. Additionally, their immediate reaction won’t be to blab to their friends the next day. But how to tell them? My idea is to gradually drop hints to the kids so they figure it out themselves. That way the giant hole in their heart from learning the truth is filled in partially by a sense of accomplishment. Some of my ideas are as follows:

“Say kids, have you ever thought about how Sandy Claws gets in our house? After all, we don’t have a chimney. Well, see you later!”

or

“Have you ever thought about why, with billions of kids around the world, Sandy Claws chooses to spend every December by the food court in the Tucson Mall? The Panda Express is good, but not that good. I’m just saying…”

At least we have several months to develop a plan regarding this. And, while all of you parents out there may be terribly upset at me for the thought of spoiling the big secret, I’m going to save a ton of money by throwing the Tooth Fairy into the conversation!

Sep
29

iPhone4

By | Random, Technology

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I’ve recently  joined the 21st century by purchasing a sweet electronic device. And I am not talking about an electric can opener. No, I got a “smart phone” as the young whippersnappers say nowadays. The iPhone 4 to be exact. This sweet little device has completely transformed my life*. (*by “my life” I mean the way I place and receive phone calls and periodically check email) Despite the many benefits of owning an iPhone, I was initially hesitant to take the step for many reasons:

Applications: for those of you who are new to the smart phone segment, applications are the programs you add to your phone to do things. I was naturally hesitant to jump on the application bandwagon as applications always had a negative connotation to me as they usually preceded job interviews. If there is one thing in life I look forward to less than a root canal, it is a job interview. Or maybe a John Mayer concert. Regardless, there are a myriad of applications to choose from, many making life easier by enhancing productivity. (societal interaction tip: Unless you want to be taunted incessantly by everyone born after 1990, you must refer to applications as “apps”) For example, there are apps that make your phone act as a level, apps that provide GPS navigation, and apps that help you save money at the store. Of course my favorite apps are ones that show me funny pictures or ones that make fart noises on time delay (perfect for pranking).

It is an Apple product: Despite the fact that my first meaningful experiences with a computer came on an Apple in 6th grade (I did actually use a prehistoric Tandy, but that was not so much of a computer as it was an apartment-sized calculator without the ability to graph) I have been resistant to joining the Apple bandwagon. Primarily because, given two identical products with the only difference being one is for a Mac and the other is a PC, the Mac will be the product requiring you to take out a second mortgage to purchase. I understand the premium in price is due to increased quality, reduced risk of viruses, and the lack of the blue screen of death common to PCs and blah blah blah. All I can say is that if I have to pay $48 for a new power charger/cord kit, that stupid kit better be made of solid gold. (societal interaction tip: do not , under any circumstance, disparage Apple in the company of anyone involved with music in any capacity lest you wish endure a geek verbal lashing)

Service: The final drawback is the fact that the iPhone is only (legally) available through AT&T. Complaints that I have come across in my minutes of research for this blog focus on AT&Ts coverage (or lack thereof) and the lack of an unlimited data plan (for those of you unfamiliar with what a data plan is or why you’d want it to be unlimited, google “difference between cellular data pla”…on second thought, if you don’t know what a data plan is, ask your grandkid). Having now had AT&T for two months, I can safely say I do not share the same concerns. The coverage I receive on the phone is just fine. You may want to put that in the context of the fact that my last carrier was T-Mobile. I am just happy to have a single conversation in fewer than four dropped-call related increments. And while the plan I have subscribed to is not too cheap, it is in line with similar plans at other carriers and I get a slight discount from work. Thus far I have not used more than a quarter of my allotted usage. I am sure that will change once I stumble across a website dedicated to pictures of animals in costumes. That would be hilarious! (on second thought, I think I have the next internet phenomenon! Do me a favor and email me any pictures you have of animals – the more gangly, like an alpaca for example, the better – in costumes. I uh…just want to look at them..yeah, that’s it!)

(Seriously, tell me you wouldn’t spend ALL DAY surfing pictures like this!)

Well, despite my apprehensions, I am completely sold. This little thing is amazing! Silly me, for years I relegated myself to using my phone to only do things like make phone calls. Who needs phone calls now that I have this sweet phone?! The possibilities are endless with this device. I can read virtually any book on the planet, identify songs I hear by simply letting the phone listen, and squish virtual bugs. I have the entire world at my fingertips! There is more information in the palm of my hand than anyone could have even imagined not 40 years ago. And yet I spend most of my time making myself look fat in pictures, looking for the nearest Starbucks, or checking Facebook.

I do plan to use my phone for more productive things in the near future. From what I hear, there are something like 70,000 apps available for the iPhone. The only problem is trying to find apps that are applicable to me. Every time I go to search for new apps, the only keywords that come to mind are “Batman” or “Airplane pictures”. So, if anyone has any good app tips, let me know. We can do an app idea exchange. (perfect idea for an app!!)

With all this time I have spent utilizing the apps on my phone, I really should check out it’s phone capabilities. I hear you can use other apps while on the phone and it’s got an easy to use interface. Yeah, I’ll do that as soon as I check my Facebook page.

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