It may surprise many of you, but I never played team sports in high school or elsewhere. Despite my chiseled physique and staggering skillz (the “z” adds an additional component similar to coolness), I was too busy to play for the teams. And by “too busy” I mean nerdy, uncoordinated, and engrossed in books about airplanes. Because of this lack of team sport experience, I also missed a vital aspect of the team commraderie: group showers. I did not miss this experience in the least, until recently.

A group of guys play football before work on intermittent Fridays. The fact that they choose to do this before work means one thing: I have to get up early. But it also means I can go to work and spend 8 hours smelling like raw sewage to my coworkers, or I can take a shower at the gym. I’m not gonna lie, I did not like the sounds of choice 2. But, I thought of my coworkers first and decided to take one for the team. A shower that is.

I titled this blog, words of wisdom because I wanted to use it to pass along some helpful hints that I would have appreciated. That way, you will be prepared in the event you are forced to shower in a public place. Unfortunately, I was not privy to the advice I am about to share. The one thing that worked out in my favor was the fact that the shower stalls were private.

Tip #1 Wear thongs in the shower (I am referring to the flip flop variety of thongs as opposed to the inappropriate swimwear variety)

Many of you may at this point be saying “duh”. I would like to share this with you: thanks for keeping this knowledge to yourself. I neglected to wear flip flops. At first, I didn’t even think twice. I was merrily scrubbing along when I looked down and saw something that made me shiver: I WAS STANDING OVER THE COMMUNITY DRAIN! That’s right, all the stalls on my side (it seemed like there were about 30…but I think in reality it was like 10, or 4) were draining directly under my feet. Whatever gunk was being washed off the neighboring dudes bodies, not to mention anything else (which I definitely would rather not think about), was gently caressing every area of my footal region. It might have been at this point or shortly thereafter I heard something that made me cringe even more: the dude next to me let fly with a snot rocket. For those of you not famililar with this term allow me to explain. Dude means another gentleman. Additionally, snot rocket refers to an impromptu method of blowing ones nose when a tissue is not available. Needless to say, the rest of the shower I looked like Michael Flatly from Lord of the Dance.

Tip #2: Your towel can be conveniently draped upon your shower rod

This tip may seem like common sense to you. However, it’s not quite as obvious when your brain is in full panic mode trying to determine how to remove all of your clothing, jump into a stall, and pull the shower curtain closed as quickly as possible. As I entered the main shower area, I scoped my surroundings in order to formulate a plan. I saw a large, tiled room with a bank of shower stalls on either side. Against the far wall directly between both sides of showers was a metal chair (why metal?! Thsoe things are cold enough with clothes ON). As I saw nothing besides moist tile to place my clothes (mini-tip, bringing all of ones clothes and toiletries into the shower area may appear slightly “geeky”) I placed my belongings on the chair…including my towel.

It wasn’t until someone entered the stall next to me (on the opposite side of my friend Snorty McSnotterton) and threw their towel over the rod that I realized this was an option. Now, I was stuck in the shower with my towel located what seemed like 3.5 miles away. In reality, it was probably only like 6 feet, but I would much prefer 0 feet of naked dashing over 6 feet of it. So, I timed my shower so I would “conveniently” be done at the precise moment nobody was in the large common area. I use “conveniently” loosely because I had to wait a few minutes until the coast was clear. A few minutes doesn’t seem like long unless you are passing the minutes alternating feet more vigorously than a tap dancer on hot coals. The wait was definitely worth it however as I was able to grab the towel and return to the solitude of my stall to dry off with no prying eyes to view my southern hemisphere.

Once the shower was completed I was free to go about getting dressed and primped and primed for the day. While not terribly akward, a few moments of discomfort arose as gentlemen obviously far more comfortable with their masculinity than I strode around wearing nothing more than a smile. I kept my eyes glued to the floor in a (vain) attempt to prevent unfortunate glances of male buttockal nudity. Overall however, I felt more comfortable with the process than before. Knowing the key tips I’ve passed along will make my next public shower experience a breeze. In the meantime, I have some flip flops to buy!