I’m back with more insight into my spiral into insanity. I’m sure people are starting to wonder about me due to my obsession with bathroom humor and germs. Well, not to disappoint, I’m going to combine those subjects and talk about some situations we all face. Rather than being crazy, I like to think of myself of an everyman’s hero. I explore the “sensitive” issues one would not dare bring up in public. Therefore, you are welcome.

I chew gum incessantly. So much so that I have developed jaws of such musculature that I can chew even the hardest crusts at Beyond Bread with only relative discomfort. I do it primarily for the breath-masking qualities of gum. I think of it as doing a favor for those around me who, as an alternative, would be gaced with sniffing the remnants of my spaghetti and broccoli dinner. (those of you who regularly read my musings know that the last sentence was hypothetical as it involved me eating a vegetable – regardless, the point is gum smells better than stinky food).

However, I have recently started questioning how big of a favor I am actually doing after I recently whiffed another person’s gum aroma. It made me realize that, much like the rotten egg smell added to natural gas alerts you to the presence of dangerous fumes, the gum smell is only serving to confirm my suspicions that I am inhaling air that was residing in the prson’s lung no more than 3 seconds ago! How gros is that? Answer: very.

So what is one to do in that situation? Well, I’ll tell you. Just like your options upon entering a stinky public restroom, you can do one of two things: breathe through your mouth or breathe through your nose (technically you can also hold your breath, but by the time you realize it stinks enough o hold your breath, you are only providing a warm, moist, safe haven for the stank molecules to harvest in your lungs). So which option is best? Lucky for you, I have comprehensively broken down your options and provided advantages and disadvantages of each option:

Option 1: Nose

Advantages: Nasal hairs and additional travel length will filter some nasty particles (or nasticles as I like to refer to them).

Disadvantages: Smell sensors allow you to smell exactly what you are breathing.

Option 2: Mouth

Advantages: Lack of smell receptors on tongue allow for the false assurance that you are not breathing in nasticles.

Disadvantages: Unobstructed entry for nasticles into your body. Must pass over (and probably on) to your tongue.

Actually, there is an option 3. You can “release” a masking odor of your own to cover the original odors.

Advantages: Attempted quote from Austin Powers: “everyone likes the smell of their own brand.”

Disadvantages: Embarrassment that arises if anyone hears you. Potentially dragging the smell with you on your clothes.

Which option is best? Well, I’ll leave that to you. But, in case you plan on testing my hypotheses in the nearest public restroom, allow me to provide you with some reading material:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/28/science/space/28nasaw.html?_r=2&hp=&pagewanted=print&oref=slogin&oref=slogin

That article really made me glad I didn’t become an astronaut. As if the thought of riding a solid rocket hundreds of miles up into the vacuum of space didn’t scare me enough, I didn’t realize relieveing oneself involved such close proximity to fan-propelled jets or frozen urine icicles.

While the article is ripe with comments and quotes just begging for discussion, I will just mention my favorite quote. It comes in the last paragraph and is from a former astronaut talking about a time on a mission that mission managers “shut down the urine collection system” on the space shuttle: “It was, he said, an annoyance, but ‘it’s one of those camping-trip kind of things you have to adjust to.’ Set against the larger risks and grandeur of space travel, he said, ‘this is small potatoes.’”

Not to argue with a former astronaut, but how is using plastic bags on a space shuttle like camping at all? Are there trees on the shuttle? Do you have to bring a whistle in case you stumble upon a bear? I guess that at the very least I’ve learned one thing: don’t camp with former astronauts.

Oh well, that’s enough discussion of bathroom-related topics for one blog. It’s time to drop some potatoes in the can…if you know what I am saying. What? I meant we have some potatoes that have expired and need to be thrown away. What?