Posted on August 30, 2008

I have recently begun contemplating getting a tattoo. Some other members of my family mentioned doing it themselves, and that got me thinking. It’s difficult to decide on a tattoo however. I definitely want something special that I will be content with for life. I am afraid of being the guy sporting a giant caricature of Walter Mondale and Geraldine Ferraro, or a “Milli Vanilli –Best New Artist Grammy 1990” phrase on my back.

A few of the options I am considering or have ruled out:

Barbed wire around the bicep. Fashionable and would accentuate my 12” guns. However, I am afraid that when I am 70 and my skin is drooping, it will look like I’ve been lassoed by a bag of loose confetti. More realistically however, I am concerned that, as my biceps are sure to continue growing to near cartoonish proportions, the barbed wire design will stretch to near invisibility, rendering my $100 wasted.

Names of my family inscribed in Japanese. This is the option I am leaning towards. First of all, it would inscribe the names of the three most important people in my life on my very body: Ashton, Lynsey, and Tom Selleck. I’m kidding of course. It would be my kids and Karina. I like the look of Japanese writing and it would make others ask about its significance. A sentimental mystery, so-to-speak. I can only foresee two risks. First, having mentioned this to Karina, she immediately felt that would mean release from all wifely obligations (not like that sicko) as her name would be permanently marked on my body. Her rationale is I would not choose to leave her for any reason due to the potential shame and humiliation brought on by having her name on me. While I would never think of leaving her regardless, I also pointed out that her name would be in Japanese. Unless Takahiro Kobayashi asked what it meant, I could say it means virtually anything with noone being the wiser.

The second risk is another potential World War against

Japan. If ever came to fruition, the choice of language used to inscribe their names would be unwise. I think I’ll take that risk however. As long as I don’t have the names inscribed in Russian, I should be fine.
The Wal-Mart logo across my back. While those of you who know me immediately understand the passion with which I support Wal-Mart, I think I will avoid tattooing their name across my back. First of all, one never knows when they will be found topless surrounded by union members. A giant Wal-Mart logo would be synonymous to a giant “beat me to a bloody pulp with your fists and OSHA required safety goggles” tattoo in that situation. And second, my loyalty is not to Wal-Mart per se, but rather the low prices offered on their vast array of products and services. Were someone to ever be able to undercut Wal-Mart on my groceries, I’d shop there in a heartbeat.

So, if you have any recommendations regarding tattoos, I’d be curious to hear them. And no stealing my ideas please. I’d only be slightly bothered if one of my reader got a Wal-Mart tattoo. I would be darn near irate if they tattooed the names of my wife and kids on their arm though.

In unrelated, but important to the Varner family news, one of our two guinea pigs,

Quincy, headed off to the giant timothy hay bale in the sky. He recently grew a large tumor and, surprisingly, its hard to find many vets that operate on guinea pigs. Such operations are also not covered by insurance. We were advised by the vet to make him comfortable, and he was up until he departed. Quincy was an awesome pet. He was friendly, docile, and rarely confused my finger for a carrot. On the bright side, Toby (the other guinea pig) has a new roommate. The new addition is named Leo.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with guinea pigs, they are quite possibly the most friggin’ awesome pets on the planet. They are friendly, small, (relatively) tidy creatures who are good with our kiddos. I have also realized an unexpected benefit in a reduction in insecurity regarding the size of MY front teeth. I highly recommend them to people looking for some sort of rodent to feed and potentially hold and caress.

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