As a parent, I can’t help but notice how often people who do not have children refer to their pets as their “kids”. Often when you tell them a tale of your child’s recent hijinks, they will insinuate they know exactly what you mean because they have an animal. Worst of all though, some people will get a pet in order to see if they are responsible enough or ready to have a child.

If you are one of the people I referred to above, please do not take offense. I do understand and respect where you are coming from. But please, stop equating your hairy, smelly, dependent creature to our hairy, smelly, dependent creatures. "Raising" Floopsie, Poopsie, and Mr. Whiskers is NOT the same as raising a baby human. Sure, when you adopt a dog you are now responsible for a living entity. A helpless being that is completely reliant on you for every necessity of life from food to housing. But children are only like that for 18 years.

On behalf of parents everywhere, I feel it is my duty to address some of the key differences between owning a pet and raising a child. (Difference 1a: you cannot say I “own” three kids without receiving a visit from CPS)

1. Your puppy did not burst forth violently from your loins after an epic 24 hour struggle. (At least I hope it didn’t. If your puppy did, head to the nearest ER followed by the police you sicko) Oh, what’s that? You went to the pound and wrote a check? That’s the same thing I guess. 

2. The development timeline is completely different. Please see the comparison chart below:

3. I don’t see anyone saving for weddings or college for their dogs

4. Are you worried about teaching your dog to drive in 16 years and what that will do to your insurance rates?

5. Kids cost me $150 just for admission to Disneyland. My dog is literally just as excited to go to PetsMart, and that doesn’t cost me anything!

6. There are things I can do with my dogs that would get me in a heap of trouble if I tried the same thing with my children:

This blog is coming off kind of negative towards children. That was not my intent. I merely wanted to provide a brief synopsis of the difficulty involved in raising a child. There are many, many benefits to having children. After a long, long time spent trying to think of some, I did come up with two:
1. With babies, there is slightly less licking than with dogs.
2. You can tell someone their baby looks like them without them taking offense.

So please, before insinuating that having a pet gives you any insight into parenting, dwell upon the struggles of parenting that you would be minimizing. I am all for you owning a pet. But you won’t get any pity from me until you sit for an hour and a half in an auditorium waiting for your dog’s class to perform in the year-end musical.