I consider myself a patriotic American. I truly appreciate this great land of ours and the opportunities we are blessed with just by living here. I take every chance to do my civic duties, whether it is responding to jury duty, paying my taxes, eating as many hot dogs as possible on July 4^th or voting (this year I voted three times in a row for Blake Lewis on the last season of American Idol…I didn’t actually call my vote in, but I thought about it). As we will soon be facing another presidential election, I feel it is my duty to do my part in ensuring Americans make an informed decision when electing our next president.

I know many people out there may already be thinking they know what to expect in this post. Due to my disgust with “politics as usual”, the nasty rhetoric that always precedes a presidential election ,and all the discussion on security and taxes, I figured I would focus not on talking points and the like, but rather a comprehensive analysis on the core attributes of each candidate that will truly affect how we vote. I’ve decided to disregard whether the candidates are Democrats (definition: one who stubbornly continues to care about people), Republicans, (a person who, despite mountains of evidence suggesting a bloated government deserves their money, think they should keep the money they make) or Independence (a city in western Missouri) (on a side note, have you ever noticed how inserting a single space in the word “independence” changes its entire meaning?).

There are only a few non-negotiables for me when I vote for my next president. They must (1) be over 35 years old and (2) be a natural born U.S. citizen. Coincidentally, the Constitution, or was it the Bill of Rights, or perhaps the Civil Rights Act of 1964 has established those very attributes as minimum requirements (Thankfully those stringent requirements do not exist to be the president of the Jim Carey fan club). But, I do care about the critical issues as well. That is why I insist the candidate I vote for can answer in the affirmative when I ask “do you have a position?”

What follows below are the fruits of many minutes of superficial internet research. I am working on making a printable version that you can bring with you to the polls.

Hillary Clinton

Slogan: “Turn up the Heat” (Finally, a candidate who is pro Global Warming! How refreshing)

Campaign song(s): “Blue Sky” by Big Head Todd and the Monsters (I’ve never heard it, but based upon the title, it sounds very factually accurate)

Usual tie color: N/A

Campaign Colors: red, white, & blue

Barack Obama

Slogan: “Change we can believe in” (sounds very Yoda-ish. ‘a legitimate candidate is he’)

Campaign songs(s): “Hold on, I’m Comin” by Sam and Daves, “Work to do” by Kidz in the hall, and “Higher and higher” by Jackie Wilson.

Verses in the songs that represent Obama’s campaign spirit: 

In “Hold on, I’m comin”:”I’m on my way, your lover where if you’re cold, I will be your cover”

In “Higher and higher”: “I’m so glad, I’ve finally found you, yes that one in a million girls, and I whip, my loving arms around you”

Usual tie color: When wearing one, he appears to usually go with blue. However, as a ‘Maverick’, he is usually pictured not wearing a tie.

Campaign colors: white, red, and blue

John Edwards

Slogan: “The campaign to change America” (is that really a slogan or merely a description?)

Campaign song(s): “Times like these” by the Foo Fighters and “This is our country” by John Mellencamp

Verses in the songs that represent Edwards’ campaign spirit: 

In “Times like these”:  “Do I stay or run away and leave it all behind” (definitely inspires the kind of confidence I like to see in my presidential candidate)

In “This is our country”: “This is our country”

Usual tie color: blue

Campaign colors: blue, red, and white with a teensy bit of green

Rudy Guliani

Campaign slogan: “Strong leadership. Proven results” (I’ve begun to notice these campaign slogans are merely general statements of positive concepts. It seems the slogan would be more effective were it to say ‘”Rudy Guliani has strong leadership and positive results”. If they are not going to tie it to the candidate, why stop at leadership and results? They might as well add other positive things like “Strong leadership. Proven results. The giggles of small children. Chicago-style pizza”)

Campaign song(s): “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor, “Stand Back” by Stevie Nicks, and “Fly like an Eagle” by Seal

Verses in the songs that represent Guliani’s campaign spirit:

In “Eye of the Tiger”: “back on the street. Did my time took my chances” (I love how Guliani seamlessly uses this song to subconsciously invoke the true fighting spirit of an ex-con)

In “Stand back”: “No one knows how I feel, what I say unless you read between my lines” (does anyone else find it surprisingly refreshing to hear a candidate finally admit and embrace what we all kind of assume?)

In “Fly like an eagle”: “doo…doo…du du…yeah”

Usual tie color: blue

Campaign colors: red, blue, white, and yellow

Mitt Romney

Campaign slogan: “True strength for America’s future” (I for one feel this slogan should be reserved for whenever Hulk Hogan decides to run for office)

Campaign song(s): “A little less conversation” by Elvis

Verses in the song that represent Romney’s campaign spirit:

“Close your mouth and open up your heart and baby satisfy me” (I found that pretty much every lyric in this song inspired a sense of dread in me. The actions described in this song are definitely not the kinds of things I want my president to subject me to. Unless the song is an analogy about how Romney, once in office, will sensually take me in his loving arms and passionately give me a tax break. Even so, I think I’ll pass on that one.)

Usual tie color: blue

Campaign colors: blue, white, and red

John McCain

Campaign slogan: “McCain. Donate today,” (Actually, those were the words displayed prominently on his campaign website. It turns out his actual slogan is “Straight Talk”, which is kind of what I thought we were getting with the donation request)

Campaign song(s): “I will hold my ground” by Darryl Worley

Verses in the song that represent McCain’s campaign spirit:

“When you push me to the wall…I will…just lay down” (ok, ok, I pieced that phrase together from verses in the song. But I think the mere fact that the lyrics would allow that may be a subliminal message.)

Usual tie color: red

Campaign colors: black, yellow, and white

I sincerely hope the research above aids you in your quest to choose the right candidate to begrudgingly vote for. I will continue my research until I am able to get satisfactory answers from candidates on their positions on important issues such as “syrup versus powdered sugar on French toast”. Knowing politicians though, they would no doubt say ‘both’ proving their only conviction is to attempt to please everyo…wait a minute…using both sounds tasty! My faith in the democratic process has been restored!

Perhaps eventually I will issue my important endorsement for the candidate I will support for president. I can give you a hint as to whom I am leaning for though: his name rhymes with H. Poss Rerot.