The Ramblings of Dave

As most of you know, I am blessed to be the dad of two wonderful children. Parenting is a continuous learning exercise and, as my kids are two and four years old, I figure I have a combined total of 6 years of “education”.

I know a lot of people are intimidated at the thought of having children, but let me tell you, there is no more rewarding experience in the world. And, it’s really not as bad as you’d think. In fact, it’s a lot like raising a puppy, except puppies catch on quicker to the fact they are not supposed to poop on the floor and tend to drool less. Of course I am kidding, so please don’t be offended or I will make a comparison regarding leashes.

My favorite thing about kids (besides the giggling, the little voices, etc.) is how they look at the world. Everything is an adventure and they want to learn about everything. My son is smack-dab in the middle of this stage right now. He is catching on to everything. In fact, one of his favorite subjects is anatomy. Specifically, the digestive system.

Many of you may see where I am going with this. You may be thinking to yourself, “self, that David is so juvenile, all he talks about are odiferous bodily functions.” Allow me to address this thusly: you are a doodie head.

My favorite “that’s my boy” moment came recently when I was walking into the kitchen and my son was on the couch. He said “dad, come over here.” So I walked towards him and he directed me further: “sit on the couch.” As soon as I sat down he made his intentions clear: “do you smell anything? I [floated an air biscuit].” (The terminology he actually used in referring to his flatulence has been edited for the sake of any sensitive eyes. So I will definitely not let you know the actual word he used rhymed with “flart”) My reaction was the same as any responsible parent who wishes to raise a conscientious child: I immediately gave him the highest five ever and ran to tell his mom. Needless to say, she was not as proud of his display of strategy and cunning…ness.

I do realize my children’s comfort with expressing bodily terminology will soon come back to bite me in the derriere (it’s a hard habit to break). So, please take my opinions on the following subjects with a grain of salt:

Playtime

One of the best things you can do is play with your children. It’s an amazing time of bonding and a definite use of time that you know you will never look back at with regret. My personal favorite game is catch. I definitely suggest you play catch as much as possible with your children. Of course, once they get too heavy you will probably have to start using a ball.

Punishment

I know this topic tends to be a controversial one, but in the interest of full disclosure, I will not hold any punches. Probably the most controversial subject is that of corporal punishment. Let me be clear: I am fully and completely supportive of corporal punishment. I think it should be used as often as necessary. If a corporal disobeys the law or codes of conduct, there is no reason they should be given a free pass by their respective Sergeant.

When it comes to punishing children, it seems like the preferred method is “timeout.” This is a classic parental utilization of the mental trickery known as “reverse psychology.” Using this method, when the child disobeys, the parent “threatens” the child with timeout. While conventional wisdom and logic may lead you to believe an effective deterrent to use on a child would be some method of discomfort, the timeout tactic uses a brilliant twist. The child is made aware that, if the unwanted behavior continues, they will be sent to their room. And trust me, there is nothing a child would like less than being sent to their haven of rest where all of their toys and games are stored.

Now that I think about it, perhaps the puppy analogy can shed some light on an effective method to deter bad behavior. Next time one of the kids act up I’ll try my favorite canine deterrent, shaking a can full of rocks in their face.

So, in summary, when it comes to having children, I recommend it. It is an 18 year commitment (if you are lucky) and can be expensive, but have no doubt; there are many, many incentives that outweigh any disadvantages. One such incentive is the federal tax credit. Again, I am kidding.

There are few things I enjoy more than, or put in my body more frequently than food. The only exception to the former being basketball and to the latter: Q-tips. Therefore, since the fact that I eat food nearly THREE TIMES A DAY qualifies me as a pseudo-expert, I thought I’d share some food related information. 

Unfortunately, our family tends to eat out more often than we should. Grabbing food while we are out running errands (such as grabbing food) is too convenient to pass up. Depending on our moods, we have several different establishments we like to frequent. If we are in a “let’s guarantee our food order gets messed up” mood, we’ll hit up a Taco Bell. On the other hand, if we are in a “must have food that is greasier than a 12 year old chocoholics face” mood, we’ll stop at Lucky Wishbone. 

Unrelated side note: One of my new favorite restaurants is El Guero Canelo. They have carne asada burritos (or “burros” in Spanish) and Sonoran hot dogs that are to die for. This is probably due to the fat and cholesterol content. But beware, I’ve found that only 85% of people introduced to Guero’s (pronounced “wed-oh’s”) fall immediately in love with the succulent beef and cheeses. Karina happens to be part of the 12% an estimated 3% are indifferent). This is because she has no taste (except obviously in men). 

We are trying to prepare food at home more often. Not only is this cheaper to prepare, it is (theoretically) healthier. Not everyone in our family is a fan of this. In fact, Ashton’s three favorite foods are chicken nuggets, pizza, and “I don’t want to try that”. The pizza I am ok with as everyone knows all major food groups are covered in a good old pepperoni pizza, but he does not like to branch out (pronounced ‘bran-ch ow-t’).  

I love to barbeque personally. There is nothing better than a steak/burger/hot dog fresh of the grill. If you prefer to cook in an environment that is 1.) not exposed to the elements and 2.) does not include the risk of propane explosion, I thought I would give you a cooking recipe to try out. 

The following instructions are for my favorite home-cooked meal: chicken enchiladas. Step 1 is to purchase the following: skinless chicken breasts, cheese, green chiles, cream of mushroom soup, and corn tortillas. Step 2 is yell “Karina, make me some chicken enchiladas”. Note to self: delete the last paragraph before publishing this blog. Self, you surely don’t want to sleep in the doghouse in this weather! 

My personal specialty is two wheat-based raised dough slabs enveloping a creamy peanut paste combined with grape preserves’. I like to call it a “peanut butter and jelly samwhich”. I can provide this recipe if anyone is interested. 

I am looking forward to trying new foodal concoctions in the future. Of all the food and ingredients stored in our packed pantry, we tend to only use the front 10% of the items. I am afraid to see what lies in the back of the pantry. For as long as it’s been since I’ve been back there, I wouldn’t be surprised to find “Uncle Grog’s rice” and boxes of Trix from back when rabbits were not discriminated from enjoying them.  

Well, I’d better run. I’m hungry and in a “want to be up all night with heartburn and diharea” mood. As soon as I get back from Arby’s I’ll start contemplating my next blog.

I consider myself a patriotic American. I truly appreciate this great land of ours and the opportunities we are blessed with just by living here. I take every chance to do my civic duties, whether it is responding to jury duty, paying my taxes, eating as many hot dogs as possible on July 4^th or voting (this year I voted three times in a row for Blake Lewis on the last season of American Idol…I didn’t actually call my vote in, but I thought about it). As we will soon be facing another presidential election, I feel it is my duty to do my part in ensuring Americans make an informed decision when electing our next president.

I know many people out there may already be thinking they know what to expect in this post. Due to my disgust with “politics as usual”, the nasty rhetoric that always precedes a presidential election ,and all the discussion on security and taxes, I figured I would focus not on talking points and the like, but rather a comprehensive analysis on the core attributes of each candidate that will truly affect how we vote. I’ve decided to disregard whether the candidates are Democrats (definition: one who stubbornly continues to care about people), Republicans, (a person who, despite mountains of evidence suggesting a bloated government deserves their money, think they should keep the money they make) or Independence (a city in western Missouri) (on a side note, have you ever noticed how inserting a single space in the word “independence” changes its entire meaning?).

There are only a few non-negotiables for me when I vote for my next president. They must (1) be over 35 years old and (2) be a natural born U.S. citizen. Coincidentally, the Constitution, or was it the Bill of Rights, or perhaps the Civil Rights Act of 1964 has established those very attributes as minimum requirements (Thankfully those stringent requirements do not exist to be the president of the Jim Carey fan club). But, I do care about the critical issues as well. That is why I insist the candidate I vote for can answer in the affirmative when I ask “do you have a position?”

What follows below are the fruits of many minutes of superficial internet research. I am working on making a printable version that you can bring with you to the polls.

Hillary Clinton

Slogan: “Turn up the Heat” (Finally, a candidate who is pro Global Warming! How refreshing)

Campaign song(s): “Blue Sky” by Big Head Todd and the Monsters (I’ve never heard it, but based upon the title, it sounds very factually accurate)

Usual tie color: N/A

Campaign Colors: red, white, & blue

Barack Obama

Slogan: “Change we can believe in” (sounds very Yoda-ish. ‘a legitimate candidate is he’)

Campaign songs(s): “Hold on, I’m Comin” by Sam and Daves, “Work to do” by Kidz in the hall, and “Higher and higher” by Jackie Wilson.

Verses in the songs that represent Obama’s campaign spirit: 

In “Hold on, I’m comin”:”I’m on my way, your lover where if you’re cold, I will be your cover”

In “Higher and higher”: “I’m so glad, I’ve finally found you, yes that one in a million girls, and I whip, my loving arms around you”

Usual tie color: When wearing one, he appears to usually go with blue. However, as a ‘Maverick’, he is usually pictured not wearing a tie.

Campaign colors: white, red, and blue

John Edwards

Slogan: “The campaign to change America” (is that really a slogan or merely a description?)

Campaign song(s): “Times like these” by the Foo Fighters and “This is our country” by John Mellencamp

Verses in the songs that represent Edwards’ campaign spirit: 

In “Times like these”:  “Do I stay or run away and leave it all behind” (definitely inspires the kind of confidence I like to see in my presidential candidate)

In “This is our country”: “This is our country”

Usual tie color: blue

Campaign colors: blue, red, and white with a teensy bit of green

Rudy Guliani

Campaign slogan: “Strong leadership. Proven results” (I’ve begun to notice these campaign slogans are merely general statements of positive concepts. It seems the slogan would be more effective were it to say ‘”Rudy Guliani has strong leadership and positive results”. If they are not going to tie it to the candidate, why stop at leadership and results? They might as well add other positive things like “Strong leadership. Proven results. The giggles of small children. Chicago-style pizza”)

Campaign song(s): “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor, “Stand Back” by Stevie Nicks, and “Fly like an Eagle” by Seal

Verses in the songs that represent Guliani’s campaign spirit:

In “Eye of the Tiger”: “back on the street. Did my time took my chances” (I love how Guliani seamlessly uses this song to subconsciously invoke the true fighting spirit of an ex-con)

In “Stand back”: “No one knows how I feel, what I say unless you read between my lines” (does anyone else find it surprisingly refreshing to hear a candidate finally admit and embrace what we all kind of assume?)

In “Fly like an eagle”: “doo…doo…du du…yeah”

Usual tie color: blue

Campaign colors: red, blue, white, and yellow

Mitt Romney

Campaign slogan: “True strength for America’s future” (I for one feel this slogan should be reserved for whenever Hulk Hogan decides to run for office)

Campaign song(s): “A little less conversation” by Elvis

Verses in the song that represent Romney’s campaign spirit:

“Close your mouth and open up your heart and baby satisfy me” (I found that pretty much every lyric in this song inspired a sense of dread in me. The actions described in this song are definitely not the kinds of things I want my president to subject me to. Unless the song is an analogy about how Romney, once in office, will sensually take me in his loving arms and passionately give me a tax break. Even so, I think I’ll pass on that one.)

Usual tie color: blue

Campaign colors: blue, white, and red

John McCain

Campaign slogan: “McCain. Donate today,” (Actually, those were the words displayed prominently on his campaign website. It turns out his actual slogan is “Straight Talk”, which is kind of what I thought we were getting with the donation request)

Campaign song(s): “I will hold my ground” by Darryl Worley

Verses in the song that represent McCain’s campaign spirit:

“When you push me to the wall…I will…just lay down” (ok, ok, I pieced that phrase together from verses in the song. But I think the mere fact that the lyrics would allow that may be a subliminal message.)

Usual tie color: red

Campaign colors: black, yellow, and white

I sincerely hope the research above aids you in your quest to choose the right candidate to begrudgingly vote for. I will continue my research until I am able to get satisfactory answers from candidates on their positions on important issues such as “syrup versus powdered sugar on French toast”. Knowing politicians though, they would no doubt say ‘both’ proving their only conviction is to attempt to please everyo…wait a minute…using both sounds tasty! My faith in the democratic process has been restored!

Perhaps eventually I will issue my important endorsement for the candidate I will support for president. I can give you a hint as to whom I am leaning for though: his name rhymes with H. Poss Rerot.

 

The other night I was in the shower pondering ideas that I might use for another blog when it hit me. “It” being my shampoo as it had fallen off the shelf. But, then it struck me…this time it was the conditioner. I really have to fix that shelf. Once all of the hair products were back in place I realized what I wanted to write about: another shower experience. Don’t worry though, this is a clean story (pun most definitely intended).

It may surprise many of you, but I never played team sports in high school or elsewhere. Despite my chiseled physique and staggering skillz (the “z” adds an additional component similar to coolness), I was too busy to play for the teams. And by “too busy” I mean nerdy, uncoordinated, and engrossed in books about airplanes. Because of this lack of team sport experience, I also missed a vital aspect of the team commraderie: group showers. I did not miss this experience in the least, until recently.

A group of guys play football before work on intermittent Fridays. The fact that they choose to do this before work means one thing: I have to get up early. But it also means I can go to work and spend 8 hours smelling like raw sewage to my coworkers, or I can take a shower at the gym. I’m not gonna lie, I did not like the sounds of choice 2. But, I thought of my coworkers first and decided to take one for the team. A shower that is.

I titled this blog, words of wisdom because I wanted to use it to pass along some helpful hints that I would have appreciated. That way, you will be prepared in the event you are forced to shower in a public place. Unfortunately, I was not privy to the advice I am about to share. The one thing that worked out in my favor was the fact that the shower stalls were private.

Tip #1 Wear thongs in the shower (I am referring to the flip flop variety of thongs as opposed to the inappropriate swimwear variety)

Many of you may at this point be saying “duh”. I would like to share this with you: thanks for keeping this knowledge to yourself. I neglected to wear flip flops. At first, I didn’t even think twice. I was merrily scrubbing along when I looked down and saw something that made me shiver: I WAS STANDING OVER THE COMMUNITY DRAIN! That’s right, all the stalls on my side (it seemed like there were about 30…but I think in reality it was like 10, or 4) were draining directly under my feet. Whatever gunk was being washed off the neighboring dudes bodies, not to mention anything else (which I definitely would rather not think about), was gently caressing every area of my footal region. It might have been at this point or shortly thereafter I heard something that made me cringe even more: the dude next to me let fly with a snot rocket. For those of you not famililar with this term allow me to explain. Dude means another gentleman. Additionally, snot rocket refers to an impromptu method of blowing ones nose when a tissue is not available. Needless to say, the rest of the shower I looked like Michael Flatly from Lord of the Dance.

Tip #2: Your towel can be conveniently draped upon your shower rod

This tip may seem like common sense to you. However, it’s not quite as obvious when your brain is in full panic mode trying to determine how to remove all of your clothing, jump into a stall, and pull the shower curtain closed as quickly as possible. As I entered the main shower area, I scoped my surroundings in order to formulate a plan. I saw a large, tiled room with a bank of shower stalls on either side. Against the far wall directly between both sides of showers was a metal chair (why metal?! Thsoe things are cold enough with clothes ON). As I saw nothing besides moist tile to place my clothes (mini-tip, bringing all of ones clothes and toiletries into the shower area may appear slightly “geeky”) I placed my belongings on the chair…including my towel.

It wasn’t until someone entered the stall next to me (on the opposite side of my friend Snorty McSnotterton) and threw their towel over the rod that I realized this was an option. Now, I was stuck in the shower with my towel located what seemed like 3.5 miles away. In reality, it was probably only like 6 feet, but I would much prefer 0 feet of naked dashing over 6 feet of it. So, I timed my shower so I would “conveniently” be done at the precise moment nobody was in the large common area. I use “conveniently” loosely because I had to wait a few minutes until the coast was clear. A few minutes doesn’t seem like long unless you are passing the minutes alternating feet more vigorously than a tap dancer on hot coals. The wait was definitely worth it however as I was able to grab the towel and return to the solitude of my stall to dry off with no prying eyes to view my southern hemisphere.

Once the shower was completed I was free to go about getting dressed and primped and primed for the day. While not terribly akward, a few moments of discomfort arose as gentlemen obviously far more comfortable with their masculinity than I strode around wearing nothing more than a smile. I kept my eyes glued to the floor in a (vain) attempt to prevent unfortunate glances of male buttockal nudity. Overall however, I felt more comfortable with the process than before. Knowing the key tips I’ve passed along will make my next public shower experience a breeze. In the meantime, I have some flip flops to buy!