Dec
31

Dodgeball Tournament!

By | Sports

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I am a huge fan of sports and I’m usually game to try pretty much anything (except beer pong). So when my local Schwann’s man mentioned he was a professional dodgeball player and invited me to come out and play sometime, my interest was piqued. He’s a pretty good guy (at least I thought, more to come on that). Looking back, I think he invited me out as he could sense my raw athleticism, or perhaps he was just looking to lower the per player cost. Regardless of the reason, I kept his invite in the back of my mind. But my entry into the sport ended up coming a little sooner than expected in the form of a New Year’s Eve Dodgeball tournament at the Rancho Sahuarita clubhouse.

Doug informed me that he was forming a team for the tournament made up mostly of his fellow professionals and he wanted me to play. I figured this was my best chance as it was close, cheap, and hopeful full of amateurs like myself. Looking back now, there are a few questions I probably should have asked. Should your Schwann’s man invite you to a dodgeball tournament, I recommend you ask the following:

  1. What are the rules?
  2. How many players are on a team?
  3. Is everyone who comes out bloodthirsty and hellbent on the destruction of their fellow humans using weapons in the form of playground balls?

Also,

4.  What are the jerseys like?

Now you may wonder why anyone would bother to ask about jerseys. Well, I showed up to play and was surprised to find out this was the team apparel (even more shocking considering in the last Sahuarita league I played in I was wearing our church’s jersey):

Now, while it does look amazing draped over my pecs, I was less than happy about the graphics. I mean, black flames in the numbers? That doesn’t even make sense. Oh, and there was also the giant Satanesque figure and name of “TEAM EVIL”. In order to assuage my guilt in wearing the shirt I had to convince myself EVIL was an acronym for Everything Virtuous In Life and the figure was actually a sunburnt superhero with hair like Wolverine whose goal in life was to reward people who helped others.

And while this shirt was bad, the other option was a jersey that said “7 Deadly Sins” and each jersey’s “name” was a different deadly sin (ie. Lust). Thankfully I didn’t have to wear that, but if I did I was hoping once of the sins was “General Lack of Coordination”. These jerseys really made me reconsider what I thought I knew about Doug.

Now, pretty much everything I know about dodgeball came from the movie “Dodgeball” and numerous repressed memories from junior high school.

So, my form of preparation involved putting on a protective “cup”.

I really only had two goals for the experience: to have fun and to come back with my facial features in the same spot as when I left. So I didn’t know what I was in for when I actually walked on the court and observed the pros start warming up. My first thought was “oh geez, oh geez, oh geez.” These guys (and one amazingly agile and strong-armed female) weren’t so much throwing the dodgeballs as they were launching them. I began warming up by throwing a ball at the fence. While I was throwing with literally everything I had in me, my balls were going much slower than everyone else’s so I had to keep saying things like “oh man, my arm is cold” and “can you imagine if I really threw this slowly? Ha!” Doug then decided he wanted to practice catching the ball so he stood in front of the fence while everyone took turns throwing at him, until it came to me and I more or less lobbed it at him. He was tossing the balls back pretty hard to the other guys and gingerly looping them back at me. I could tell he was taking it easy on me. Not wanting his pity and knowing I wouldn’t get better unless I started trying to catch some faster shots I asked him to “throw it a little harder.” MISTAKE!!! Literally before I knew it there was a red ball dribbling away from me and a growing welt on my chest. To this day I am not sure how he did it but I am reasonably confident a teleporter was somehow involved. I knew I was in trouble (and also that Doug has no idea what the phrase “a little” means).

Now that I was sufficiently freaked out, I looked around to gauge the competition. There were three teams who showed up. Two of the teams were comprised of the professional Tucson Dodgeball all-stars (and me) and the third was a group of terrified amateurs. I felt bad for them knowing they signed up thinking it would be a fun thing to try with a bunch of other Rancho Sahuarita folks who have never played. They probably even laughed to each other thinking “wouldn’t it be hilarious if we were the only newbies and literally everyone else who showed up (except one) was a professional player?”

Most of the pro players (wherein pro just means they play in tournaments for money…not as a primary occupation…but they are still crazy good) where very cool…albeit with “spicy” vocabularies.

Well, we started playing and I gradually began finding my place. It was usually on the sidelines chasing down balls. But when I played, I also became slightly more confident. They say in football that nervous players just need to be hit once to knock the nerves out. I assumed the same principle held true and that I just needed to be beaned once to get in the zone. Well, it took a while to get beaned, not because I am an elusive ninja, but because the other team didn’t sense enough of a threat in me to bother wasting a ball in my direction. But when the first ball came at me, it came fast! I managed to avoid it with an instinctual seizure-like move I call the “herky-jerk”. It only works when accompanied by a high-pitched shriek of terror which I definitely included.

You may be having a hard time grasping the “feel” of the tournament so I figured I’d help you out. The picture below is a picture of a standard playground dodgeball like the ones we used.

This is a picture of said dodgeball three inches from your nose:

Now, take a look at the first one and look quickly at the second to experience a ball flying at you. Now to truly understand the game from my perspective, do it again and imagine your teammates yelling things like “catch the ball!” and “why are you even here?” all the while against a backdrop of male (and one female) body odor. Of course, my view was more like the following as I was curled up in a ball with my eyelids doing their darndest to protect my LASIK investment:

 

I did eventually figure out that I needed to rely on deception rather than arm speed and/or accuracy. And by deception I meant I walked around like I owned the place and would have absolutely NO problem decapitating anyone with a dodgeball should the desire arise whilst I did everything in my power to avoid having to hold an actual dodgeball. I did score a few sweet outs towards the end using my patented no-look move I carried over from basketball. I knew my knack of passing the ball directly into my teammates ankles would pay off someday!

The team I happened to be on was clearly the best of the tournament as demonstrated by our winning all but 1 of approximately 33 rounds of play, However, based on some shady tournament organizing, the championship ended up resting on a single “winner take all” game with the other pro team. This despite us having beaten them roughly 16 out 17 previous times. I call shenanigans!

As luck would have it, we ended up losing. But, our team did end up walking away with fabulous Rancho Sahuarita gift bags that included things like a keychain and chapstick. That and I accomplished both of my goals. Hazah!

Dec
30

Ashton Played Basketball in McKale!

By | Family Life, Sports

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This week Ashton was afforded an awesome opportunity I would have killed for as a kid. He recently played in a youth basketball league through USA Youth Sports that ended in early December. The head of the league called us Tuesday and asked if Ashton would be interested n playing an exhibition game with some other kids during halftime of the U of A women’s game. When I asked him if he’d want to play or not, he jumped at the opportunity by saying “eh, ok”.

Now this was going to be a new experience all around as none of us had ever been to a U of A women’s basketball game. I’ve been to my share of men’s games and I had no clue how this would stack up. I am not going to lie, the rest of this blog may or may not play off some women’s sports stereotypes, namely that the women, while each and every one them being more than capable to humiliate me on the court (in basketball, arm-wrestling, battleship…you name it), are less athletic than the men and the sport isn’t as popular. Of course, my second notion that the women’s sport is less popular than the men isn’t so much a “stereotype” as it is a “fact”, as supported by an article I found on Bloomberg.com (http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-04-01/women-s-basketball-teams-operate-in-red-as-salaries-break-college-budgets.html). A few key nuggets: there are virtually no women’s college teams supporting their own programs with revenue, partially because there is very little television market and the games sell fewer tickets at cheaper prices than men’s games. Thank you Title IX for the resulting increase in tuition!

We bought our tickets for $4 from the USA Youth coordinator. Alyson’s was free as she was less than 3 years old. The first difference I noticed (besides the affordability of the ticket and the fact that there was apparently enough room to allow 2 year olds in for free) was the ticket said “General Admission” with no seat designations. When we walked into the arena, we saw a plethora of available seats and several large blue drapes blocking off a large portion of the arena’s normally available seats. This led to a very comfy, inside-a-giant-shower-curtain feel. It took everything I had to avoid belting out my traditional shower song “Don’t Stop Believin’”. We walked right down to the front and scored some very nice seats. I’ve often heard people with nice seats at the men’s games remark that it is surprising to see how tall the men really are. Well, from our seats, we could see how normal-sized the ladies were. Except of course the 6’5” center.

We sat through most of the first half anxious to watch Ashton. Then, with only a few minutes left, the USA coordinator asked if I wouldn’t mind coaching one of the two teams. Thinking I couldn’t do any worse than Kevin O’Neil, I agreed to it.

With about 4 minutes to go in the half, our coaches and players migrated to the court to prepare for the game. A U of A coordinator was there to give us instructions. The first thing she said was how surprised she was at the crowd we must have brought out. I was skeptical at first as there were not too many kids at all and Ashton had the largest contingent of supporters with 6 people. However, as I thought about it I realized when you are dealing with the size of crowds normally expected at the women’s game, an additional 17 people makes a striking difference. My hunch is the crowd was a result of the U of A team’s newfound non-ineptitude (eptitude perhaps?). They are 11-1 and off to one of their best starts ever.

I knew two of the kids on the team from the last basketball season I coached (one of them also because he is my son). However, I did not know the two other players I was given. As our four were going to be playing a team of five, I was hoping we had a few diamonds in the rough. I immediately set about assessing my team’s talent. My son Ashton is a smart player and a good defender. The other kid from our team is a good shooter and unaware of the meaning of the word “pass”. So I asked the other two kids how long they had played basketball. Their answer: zero. Apparently they were some kids from the flag football teams who were recruited to fill out the roster. Well, at least there wouldn’t be thousand of people watching them try the game for the first time. And the coach from the other team turned out to be a football coach. I knew that was our advantage.

Just before the 1st half of the ladies’ game came to an end, the USA leader gave the kids a little speech wherein he told them it was an honor to play on the U of A floor. A sentiment I agreed with completely. He told them to go out and touch the “A” at center court when they ran out. Which the kids dutifully did. Some of them doing it multiple times….during the game.

The game itself went really well and Ashton had a great time. He even made a flew highlight-worthy plays which are shown in the video below.

 

I was very happy that the crowd was so into the game (this is possibly because they couldn’t tell a difference in size and talent between the actual game and our exhibition…hey-o!). They cheered on the kids as they made baskets and good plays. I think the kids were so pumped that they didn’t even notice. After the game, the kids were each given a keychain (for all of their keys of course) and went back to their seats for the rest of the game.

As my family isn’t too into sports, we decided to leave discretely after half time and get some ice cream. It turned out being pretty hard to be discrete as our departure meant half of the arena’s attendance was leaving at once. We enjoyed our ice cream and, incidentally were able to see just as many slam-dunks as if we were to have stayed for the duration of the game.

Dec
12

Limitless movie review

By | Movies

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Every once in a while on evenings when the Biggest Loser or a football game isn’t on Karina and I will sit down and watch a movie together. While neither of us are extremely picky when it comes to movies, our tastes are definitely different. I am more of a stupid comedy, action, mystery kind of guy (preferably a movie with any 2 of those 3 attributes – such as Naked Gun). Karina on the other hand is more into dramas or smarter comedies. And while she enjoys romantic movies from time to time, that’s not her favorite genre. It’s generally hard to find a movie we are both excited about (some Adam Sandler movies being the exception) so we’ll trade off watching one another’s choice. I’ve made her watch some action flicks and, in return, she has tortured me with some romantic movies (The Notebook for example). And, as a side note, a movie loathed by both of us was the “romantic” Time Travelers Wife. I almost dozed off while watching that movie (BORING!) and kind of wish I did fall asleep. My dream would have probably had a better storyline and faster pacing, not to mention flying unicorns!

Well, the other night Karina gave me full discretion to pick a movie. I went to the Redbox and did not see anything I had been really looking forward to seeing. So, I checked down as it were to my B-list: movies that had sounded interesting on earlier visits but were not the most attractive in the box. In this case, we went with Limitless. I was excited thinking this movie was an overdue biopic on the life story of Chuck Norris. Unfortunately, it was not.

Limitless is a movie about a down-on-his-luck writer who stumbles upon a miracle pill that unleashes the normally untapped potential of the human brain. It stars Bradley Cooper and Robert “I have nipples Greg, could you milk me?” De Niro.

Incidentally, this movie was filmed before Bradley Cooper was recently named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. This can only mean that last year’s winner Ryan Reynolds has tragically passed away. Oops, a quick Google search indicates I may have jumped the gun a bit on that supposition. Apparently Ryan Reynolds is still alive. What the?! How did he lose his sexiness? What does this award mean anyways?! A man loses his sexiness on only 1 year?! Well, explain 2 time winners Brad Pitt or George Clooney to me! I am going to assume that, once named People’s Sexiest Man Alive, it goes to their head a bit. And, as I am sure the ladies can vouch for, there is nothing sexy about an inflated ego…unless you are a cast member on Jersey Shore.

I haven’t done too much research on the topic (I swear) so I am not familiar with the origins of the award. Is there a reason it is called Sexiest Man Alive and not Sexiest Man Ever? I am assuming there is general consensus that someone who has since passed was clearly the Sexiest Man Ever so now the award has to be qualified. Who was it? Ghengis Kahn? Abraham Lincoln? Perhaps King Solomon with his “cheeks like a garden of spices” and “body like bright ivory glowing with lapis lazuli”?

Well, regardless, congratulations to Bradley Cooper for joining an elite group of men who have conclusively proven themselves as the sexiest man alive on earth. A group of men that includes (and I am not making any of these up) Harry Hamlin, Mark Harmon, and Nick Nolte.

This is a picture of former Sexiest Man Alive Nick Nolte. Apparently I have been going about this “sexy” thing all wrong with my pursuit of basic hygiene. Consider THIS my application for Sexiest Man Alive:

Have you ever stopped to consider how luck we are to live in the time we do? Not in terms of the technology that makes our lives relatively easy, but the fact that we are alive during a time when there are currently 21 living People’s Sexiest Men Alive! I propose that, just like the living US president’s get together every year, the sexiest men do as well to commemorate their amazing achievement.

Also, the selection of Bradley Cooper means 15 of the 21 Sexiest Men Alive have been American. I think we should mention that in the national anthem somehow. Join me in chanting: USA, USA, USA!!

Alright, I am off the Sexiest Man Alive topic. As I titled this post Limitless Movie Review I should probably throw in a few observations of the movie.

Karina and I actually both enjoyed this movie. It was well-acted and had some engaging visual effects. We both found the premise very interesting. Bradley Cooper’s character is introduced to the (non-FDA approved) pill that unlocks access to the 80% of his brain power that is supposedly not used. In practicality this means that Bradley’s (if I can call him that) character can recall anything he’s read, watched, or observed immediately. Thankfully for him, he has been exposed to classic literature and fighting techniques. Both of which help him in his ensuing adventures. Were this me, this would mean easy access to a compendium of Hardy Boys trivia and the ability to laugh nonstop at brain reruns of Bob Saget America’s Funniest Home Videos. Perhaps not practical, but I am sure we can all agree AWESOME!

Once his character becomes a genius, he uses it to climb the social ladder and make tons of money on the stock market. That’s all well and good, but I find it kind of absurd. If I took a pill that completely unlocked my brain’s potential the first thing I’d do is finish a ding-danged Sudoku puzzle. Then I’d do something that would positively impact mankind, such as devising a pair of earbud headphones with a cord that doesn’t tangle.

Well, as one would expect, Bradley’s market success causes him to run afoul or a business magnate (De Niro) and a Russian mobster. The rest of the movie follows his attempts to get himself out of trouble, sometimes depending only on his regular brain.

I won’t give away the rest of the story as I recommend you watch it. But Karina and I came away feeling satisfied. And it did serve to remind me to take my daily multi-vitamins.