Birthing Pains (in the butt)

Posted on May 6, 2009

As most of you are aware, Karina and I are expecting baby number 3 at any moment. Alyson Grace is 39 weeks old and already displaying some personality traits similar to her mother’s, namely the stubbornness as she refuses to  vacate Karina’s womb. (Note to self: Karina would probably not like that last sentence, remember to change Karina to “a mule”, but definitely do not leave BOTH in).

For some reason Karina is finding having a 10 pound human inside her to be a slight discomfort. As such she is doing her best to try everything short of a crowbar to persuade Alyson to enter the world. This has been a learning experience for me. I did not realize how many wives’ tales there were out there (and by “out there” I mean “on the internet”) that supposedly provide the key to inducing labor (example: “this method is GUARANTEED to induce birth within 40 weeks!!”). Here are some of my favorites:

Walking: This one seemed promising and was supported by various web sites, which means it must be true. As Karina is fully preggers, I told her I would take the bullet on this one and walk while she rested at home. After several trips around the block, I am sorry to report, nothing happened.

Eggplant parmesan: Eating this devilish creation came highly recommended from several sources. In theory, I can see why it would work. I assume the convulsions brought about by vomiting the eggplant out after consumption could trigger similar uterine contractions. Karina and I hit the Olive Garden recently to attempt this method. Despite all of the actually tasty stuff on the menu, Karina showed her gumption (which I promptly told her to cover) and ordered the eggplant. She was also kind enough to force me to try a bite. The dish tasted nothing like I expected as I was expecting “good”. Rather, it resembled what I imagine eating a breaded mouse turd covered in sauce and cheese would taste like. While I am exaggerating slightly, it wasn’t my favorite item on the menu.

This method has also failed to bear fruit, or a baby.

I can’t say I blame the baby for refusing to come out. She is currently stuffed upside down in pitch blackness practically eating her knees. While this seems miserable to you and I, it is all Alyson knows. Therefore, in her mind (I am confident she is fully capable of rationalization currently) there is a 50% chance the outside world brings sweet relief. That means there is also a 50% chance it can only get worse!! Against those odds, I’d probably do the same thing and do everything in my power to remain in the sweet, sweet uterus, breathing my own urine.

The good news in all this is that Karina is currently progressing. She stands (actually sits mostly) at 3cm dilation. Many of you may be wondering what this means. Well, I will tell you (you may want to take this opportunity to clear children from the general area): 3cm is approximately 1.18 inches.

So hopefully we will be rushing to the hospital soon, her in intense pain and me approximately the shade of a ghost with xeroderma pigmentosum (me praying the whole way that we make it to the hospital so Alyson’s first memory of her father isn’t a girly scream followed by a loud “thud”). When that day comes, I will make sure you are all informed within 3 months.

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