Gentlemen, welcome to Professor Varner’s class on romancing the ladies. What follows are some tips I want to share with you gentlemen to help make those special ladies in your life feel even special-er. Don’t ask Karina how these have worked out because she will try to be humble on my behalf and say I am the least qualified person to speak on romance. She is so sweet like that.

Now, the first step in persuasive writing is to establish credibility on the subject. Dictionary.com defines romance as “to court or woo romantically; treat with ardor or chivalrousness.” (Demonstrated ability to use dictionary. Credibility status: established)

ROMANCE CHECKLIST

1. As everyone knows, women are looking for a knight in shining armor. I have taken the initiative to research medieval cultures and customs and found that people living during that time period took very infrequent baths. So, gentlemen, if you are looking to please that special someone, STOP BATHING NOW! Also, you must find a quest.

2. Don’t believe everything you hear and read. I have often heard that one way to show your interest in your spouse is to give them bedroom eyes. I have tried this incessantly and it never works. Don’t even bother gentlemen.

I’ve even thrown is some bedroom snores for good measure.

Perhaps my lack of success is due to poor timing. Next time I will wait until Law & Order is over.

3. Learn some phrases in a romantic language. Personally I recommend French as that is the traditional language of love. Here is me demonstrating the technique using French. Try resisting THAT ladies.

 

Pardon my French.

4. Shave a romantic symbol such as a heart in your chest hair. Or, if you are like me, begin applying Rogaine nightly in the shape of a heart and drinking lots of black coffee in the hopes some will sprout in the vague shape of a heart.

5. Women value honesty above all. If she is the wind beneath your wings, let her know. If she wants your opinion as to how her buttocks fill out her jeans: tell her honestly. Then, set your alarm for love o’ clock.

6. Wear an armless shirt around the house. Your spouse won’t be able to take her eyes off your guns. That’s why these shirts are referred to as “wife baiters”.

 7. Women like to feel special. Don’t buy her roses. EVERYONE does that. Plan something unique. Like the next time you go to Chili’s, tell the waiter it’s her birthday. Then, bask in her adoring gaze as the entire wait staff serenades her.

8. Leave her little notes around the house. That way, when she’s getting ready in the morning she’ll be reminded of your undying love with notes such as: “honey, please make sure you fold my boxer briefs before putting them in the drawer when you do laundry” and “sweet, sweet baby, don’t use the toilet. I clogged it this morning.”

9. Let your guard down. Show her you trust her. Drop the kids off at the pool with the door open.

There you have it gentlemen. 9 foolish…errr…foolPROOF ways to woo your special lady. You are welcome.

Oh, does anyone have a sleeping bag I can borrow? This guy is sleeping in the doghouse tonight. Yep, Karina’s playing hard to get. YAHTZEE!